Gary Conkling Life Notes

Mostly whimsical reflections on life

A Cure for No-Butt Syndrome

Pepsodent toothpaste became a household fixture in the 1950s with its jingle,”I wonder where the yellow went?” Now it’s time to revive that jingle and ask, “I wonder where all that fat went?”

Belly fat

Where does all the fat from liposuction go? Actually, who cares. The point here is that we should collect it, clean it up (whatever that means, especially to the FDA) and recycle it by injecting it into the posteriors of people with no butts.

You know who I’m talking about. In all your people-watching at malls and airports, you’ve noticed some people have no butt. Where most people have protruding round mounds, these people have cliffs stretching from their shoulder blades to their ankles.

Maybe you’re one of these no-butt people. If you’re unsure, stand in front of a mirror and put a carpenter’s level along your backside. If you have no butt, it will be perfectly level.

No-butt people have been without a champion since the beginning of no-butt syndrome, a genetic deformity. It is time for someone to don a Captain Industry costume and go to work on a solution. Recycling fat is an idea, if you pardon the expression, with economic legs. Think of it like an organ donation.

How much harm can transplanted fat have in your butt? Most people just sit on their butts all day anyway.

The closed loop economics of recycling fat could be a boon for liposuction practitioners and bad news for wusses =who opt for tummy tucks. It also would be a boon for tattoo artists because you have to believe no-butt people would want a picturesque mural stretching across the wider, rounder expanse on their back side after a fat transplant.

Elimination of the no-butt problem would solve a major headache for dress and jean designers. They can stop worrying about annoying and unsightly wardrobe droop, which occurs when there is too much material covering too little real estate on the back 40.

Yes, there are far greater problems in the world than having no-butt. Perception is nine-tenths of reality. The absence of an appropriate bulbous derriere can be demoralizing and make you feel like half of a person.

Taking advantage of all that spare tummy and thigh fat to restore confidence and attractive protrusion to no-butt people makes economic, environmental and psychological sense. How many medical procedures – or environmental projects – can you say that about?

So don’t ask “I wonder where the fat went?” Ask instead, “Whose butt needs all the fat I can give them.”

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