Gary Conkling Life Notes

Mostly whimsical reflections on life

The Devil’s Toilet

A wife stepping out is a husband’s worst nightmare, but it also can be alarming to see your wife repeatedly stepping in.

toilet_explodingThat’s what happened on our recent trip to Kauai, with a stay at the Grant Hyatt at Poipu that featured a newfangled toilet, which ardent advocates say could eliminate the need for toilet paper.

I worried that the toilet was the tool of the devil.

Whether it was the warm seat, self-cleaning jets or pulsating action, Carole was fascinated.

“I’m going to the bathroom, dear.”

“Didn’t you just go a few minutes a go.”

“Yes, but I’m drinking a lot of water. I have to go again.”

Likely excuse.

Carole is often cold, even in the warm, muggy weather of Hawaii. So I could appreciate how keen she was to have a heated seat.

“We should have one of these at home.”

“Yes, dear.”

“Definitely, one of these at home – and in every bathroom.”

“Yes, dear.”

However, it was the long absences and the satisfied look on her face when she returned that started me to worry. You can only enjoy a hot seat for so long. What else was going on in there?

Toilet Remote ControlOn my own visit, I took a moment to examine the remote control. Beside being bothered by the fact there was a remote control, I wondered what the oscillating versus pulsating options meant under the heading “Rear”.

However, what really rattled me was the dial heading “Front: Wide On/Off.” Its option included troubling options: “Pressure” and “Position.” I fretted that maybe this toilet replaced more than toilet paper.

“Oh, I need to go to the bathroom again.”

“You must be drinking a lot of water.”

“What? Oh, yes, I am. See ya.”

I thought about going into the toilet just to use the dryer.

The toilet also uttered menacing noises, on the pretext that it was pre-cleaning the toilet before anyone showed up and sat down. I could hear the toilet making its seductive hissing noise in the middle of the night, arousing suspicions of its inappropriate intentions.

In addition to being suspicious and meddling, the toilet frankly was scary. I’m all for innovation. Indoor plumbing was a big advance over the outdoor 1-holer with a crescent-shaped moon for cross-ventilation. I’m okay with the sensor that recognizes when you have risen after finishing your business, sparing you from touching the flusher. But pulsation, oscillation, pressure and position is a little too much for me from a toilet.

toiletenergyPerhaps hotels and resorts should give people a choice of a king or queen-size bed, shower or bathtub and a regular toilet or a devil’s toilet.

If you are that sensitive, use a glove to touch the flusher.

And if you really want to innovate, conduct research into flushing power – the flush that works and that keeps on giving long after you and your knickers have left.



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