Gary Conkling Life Notes

Mostly whimsical reflections on life

Movies I Won’t Be Seeing

RogerEbert_thumb[1]Hollywood doesn’t depend on my erratic movie-going habits, but I’m channeling Rogert Ebert anyway to let bigwig producers know what tickets I won’t be buying.

At the top of my no-go list is Godzilla. I’m not a fan of lizards to begin with, so watching a huge lizard isn’t amusing. Pitting the big lizard against other malevolent creatures sounds even less appealing. That would be the equivalent of watching two relatives you disliked brawling at a family barbecue. No thanks.

Next is Neighbors, which centers on the interaction between a young couple with a child and the party-happy fraternity house next door. First off, how many people anywhere live next door to a fraternity house? And if they did, how many would have a child?  There was a reason this movie was released overseas with the title Bad Neighbours.Even Seth Rogen, who stars in the movie, panned it in his interview with Jon Stewart. If Rogen doesn’t want to see it for free, why should I pay to see it.

Alos on my list is any movie that has Roman numerals in its title. I can’t believe they are up to Scary Movie 5. There was even a Smurfs sequel. Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore evidently suffer the same aversion as me. So instead of 50 First Dates Twice, they made more or less the same movie with a different name. Blended features two single parents who go on a bad blind date, coincidentally sign up their kids for an African safari and kind of shack up for a week together. I like it better when Sandler and Barrymore went to Alaska to study the mating habits of the walrus.

Another sneaky sequel is Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return. I’m still mad at discovering how tiny and ridiculous the Wizard of Oz was in the original, pre-color version. So why should I care what happens to Dorothy when she is forced to return to Kansas? I’ve seen Kansas and it’s not pretty.

Yet another remix is X-Men:Days of Future Past. This movie has a silly title, but at least it has Hugh Jackman, which means I could watch it down the line on Netflix when I’m home already suffering from severe stomach cramps.

A lot of movies coming out for the summer has bad, irritating or alarming titles – Devil’s Knot, The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, The Hornet’s Nest, A Million Ways to Die in the West and Don Peyote.

And why would you pay good money to see movies with these titles – Mom’s Night Out, A Night in Old Mexico and Fifth Party Central? I would rather go out to a nice restaurant for dinner. Or even a bad restaurant.

The one movie I DO want to see is Million Dollar Arm, the story of an enterprising scout looking for baseball talent in India, sort of a Christopher Columbus story in reverse. Maybe it’s even “based on true life experience.” Who cares. It looks entertaining instead of frightening.

Maybe as the year wears on, the movie fare will improve. For example, upcoming attractions include Big Hero 6, Paranormal Activity 5, See No Evil 2, Dumb and Dumber To and Untitled New Line Horror Project.

Judi Dench in PhilomenaOne movie due out this fall may have some utilitarian value – Kill the Messenger. But I think I will wait to see the trailer before I go on Fandango and buy my ticket.

Meanwhile, I will be glad to watch a rerun of Philomena, a movie and a story worth watching – more than once, without a sequel.




2 comments on “Movies I Won’t Be Seeing

  1. .
    May 15, 2014

    Hi, Gary-thanks for your notes on Summer movies. I agree with you for the most part. though I would like to mention those movies are not made for people like you. They are made for kids-get it, Summer Movies! While some of the so-called themes may be trite, acting bad and dialog dumb-condemning them wholesale discounts 2 10-18 year old demographic altogether. FURTHER- I have tickets to Godzilla tomorrow night-taking 2 13 year old boys. This version of Godzilla is more rooted in current events and centers on mankind’s tenuous relationship with nature and the environment.The idea is that the other ‘creatures’ represent those who abuse the planet-the landscape, slave labor and western capitalism. Godzilla is supposed to represent a force of nature trying to restore and protect. That is . likely to be lost on most, but oh well, hopefully it will be fun.It’s just a movie. best Cynthia Wooten

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