Mostly whimsical reflections on life
News Report: Emperor Obama, frustrated with Congress and feeling his imperial oats, decides to reissue the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing slaves and granting amnesty to all past, present and future illegal immigrants. Infuriated and flummoxed, Republicans call the executive decree an unconstitutional amnesty and decide to pass a bill that settles America’s immigration problem once and for all.
A Modest Proposal: To Relieve the Burden on America Posed by 12 Million Illegal Immigrants Who Steal Our Jobs, Do Our Laundry, Pick Our Fruit, Clean Our Houses, Tend Our Lawns and Otherwise Deny Us the Privilege, Pride and Pleasure of Doing Those Things Ourselves.
After building a replica of the Great Wall of China on America’s border with Mexico and requiring searches of people who look suspiciously Latino or wearing patent leather shoes, it has become clear enough is enough. Emperor Obama, bowing to the wishes of foreign despots, has tried by fiat to make life easier for people who snuck into the country and hid in the shadows while sucking the vitality out of America’s job market.
We have a better plan in the form of a modest proposal that we call the Ultimate Solution – expelling the 12 million, give or take, people living here illegally, clandestinely checking out books from the library without a green card, filling up Emergency Rooms when they feel sick and recklessly having children who are born here as U.S. citizens.
After all is said and done, expulsion is the kindest cut we can levy. Illegal immigrants can return to the land of their roots, even if they don’t recognize the cartel-controlled towns they left. Children can be reunited with parents, grandparents and gang members, who also will be deported. They can learn what it means to face adversity in their own language instead of English.
Freed from this great load, America can fill all the vacated jobs with men, women, disabled veterans, former college mascots and young children who want to work, regardless of the pay and conditions. People existing just slightly above poverty will have a chance to catapult to somewhere below the middle class.
Classrooms will suddenly be less crowded, emergency rooms less overrun and Taco Bell’s salsa less spicy. America will go on a roll, even if lawns occasionally don’t get mowed, strawberries aren’t picked, our clothes are wrinkled and wine goes unmade. These are sacrifices we need to accept for freedom from illegal immigrants.
Unfortunately, our debt collection efforts with the coyotes who helped illegal immigrants enter America illegally won’t cover the costs of expelling all the illegal immigrants they helped. It will take more money to find all those shady people, round them up, put them in holding pens, give them some kangaroo justice and buy bus tickets to towns we cannot pronounce. We looked into reducing the Environmental Protection Agency’s budget for climate change, but that would only yield enough to deport 12 people from Akron. We have to dig deeper. We are exploring a user fee on deportees.
Even if we cannot impose a deportation tax, it will all net out for the best. After all, nobody will have to eat any children. Unless Emperor Obama says you can’t.
[With all the usual, necessary and dutiful apologies to Jonathan Swift.]