Denim Distress: Blue Over Jeans

Four-term Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber has made nicely fitting, sharply creased blue jeans part of his political signature. Me, I’m just trying to find jeans that fit.

The good governor and I are the same age and, by today’s loose standards, decent looking. However, to put it delicately, we have different shapes. Without getting into all the details, let’s just say the relevant physical difference is in our respective inseam lengths.

I’ve contributed to Kitzhaber’s campaigns, met him in his office and said hello in the Capitol hallways. But this level of intimacy hasn’t made me privy to his inseam measurements. I’m just surmising, though, that they fall in the normal range. My inseam is 28 inches.

Even though I don’t view myself as unusual in physical dimension, mere mention of a 28-inch inseam brings smirks to the faces of clerks, especially those who sell jeans. “We don’t stock jeans with that short of an inseam, sir,” they say. They really mean to say “shortie.”

I am left with an annoying decision of buying jeans that are too long (29 inches) – or a lot too long (30 inches). The only choice is often the latter.

When I was younger, picking out jeans seemed a lot simpler. I could go just about anywhere and find washed-out blue Levi’s that fit snugly and didn’t hide my sneakers. My favorite style was the button-up fronts, which avoided noisome zipper snags. They  provided a built-in warning system to buy new ones when the button holes became too misshapen to stay buttoned.

Nowadays, fashion dominates denim. There are walls of jeans with boot cut, flare cut, high rise, low rise, trim fit and relaxed fit. Unfortunately, there isn’t a category for jeans that actually fit.

Internet shopping advice instructs men below the “normal” height of 5 feet, 10 inches: “Shorter men can add the appearance of height by wearing boot cut, flare, or straight leg jeans. Avoid baggy and tight jeans that can make men look shorter. Low rise waists are best because they cause the torso to look taller.” How do you look taller, as opposed to ridiculous, when your jeans drape over your sandals?

Jeans come in a wide range of blues, plus black and assorted other colors. You can get jeans with an elastic waste band and ones already ripped as if you wore them during a fist fight. One brand advertises “jeans for every occasion.” But I still can’t find jeans that fit for any occasion.

My wife has made a valiant effort to research the universe. I tried upscale, soft twill Tommy Bahama’s jeans. Too long. Too baggy. I bought a pair of inexpensive jeans at Costco. Too long. Too blue. Shopping forays at Nordstrom’s, Banana Republic and, of course, Levi’s have been fruitless and frustrating. I’ve stopped looking.

Like most people, I like wearing jeans. They are versatile and durable. In places like Portland, you can wear jeans to play and at work. But I don’t like walking on my jeans because they unfold underneath my shoes.

Yes, I know I could have a pair of jeans altered to the correct length, but that strikes me as out of character for a pair of pants you wear to relax in. I suppose I could wear suspenders or roll up my pant legs into nerdy-looking cuffs. Nah.

I’m not trying to make a political signature or fashion statement. I don’t want designer jeans. I just want to throw on a comfortable pair of jeans and not trip on them as I walk out the door. Is that too much to ask?